Today is brought to you by the letter “T”
T also stands for today.. as in “Lets Live For Today”.
I’m in a sad and also mean mood. All at once.
I am useless I am a mess.
Sometimes I feel the world is too much with me.. And those I am close with.
It’s been a day of weirdness and frustration.
The inability to help others makes me feel powerless,
and the inability for the world to help itself is heart trembling.
I crawl in my own heart to protect it.
There are few I trust with my deepest secrets.
But some days I feel my secrets are small beans to the secrets other carry the burden of.
And then I feel small.
I have very few things I turn to in this world.
I have very few things that I use to my higher power and advantage.
One of those things is my writing.
I pour my heart and soul into my words
I turn my tears into poetry of the heart.
My heart is on the paper.
Though I have locked it tight with a key and erased several valuable pieces of information that would give me away.
Then I erase.
Today my heart hurts for others
Not my words to write
So I turned to my other passion for forgetting.
For today if I open my mouth I may not be able to shut it. And tears and words will flow.
That is all
I went out today to get some cheese.. Weird thing to go out for but Jack seems fixated on nachos everyday and we run out quickly. The wind was pretty bad when I left. I took my time in the store.
As I was leaving my phone rang. A tree part had fallen in my driveway.
Had I not taken my time my truck might have been there or I might have been driving into the tree.
As I drove home I saw many trees down.
From a combination of last night and today.
I took a picture of a thirty foot tree down next to the road down the street. I was in awe of the clean fresh break. But alas I only had my cell. So I posted it to my facecrack and went home.
The tree in my driveway was already being dissected but the branch part that fell was a good five inches thick a dozen feet long or more and bent my fence. And was right where my truck had been.
Now this may be small beans to other problems others have.. But to me it reminded me of my angels.
And why I am still here.
It woke me up. I might have been giving up on the idea with all that is going on lately they might have given up. They haven’t. And I won’t either.
I went inside and threw up.
Yea I kinda barf when confronted with reality a lot.
After cuddling with Chester and watching some crap ass movie with Milla Jovivich and Steve Hawn stuck on Hawaii with maybe killers I decided I was gonna get my pics done..I knew where I had to go and I knew what I had to do.
I started with the simple stuff
Moved up to trees.
Then tree parts in the road. Then the cememtary
After sitting and praying a bit and then having a long talk with Tammy.. One she had no answer for.
Well I am not sure the dead really do give you signs when you demand them.. And maybe the sign she gave me was not the one I wanted so I ignored it.
I took many pics of the tombstones and tombstones with T.
I threw my heart into my pics today.
If you look long and hard you will feel my heart.
I used to believe that photos stole your soul and I never posed willingly for pics.. yet I loved to take the soul of others. Today I let the camera steal my soul.
I am proud of my work.
I think the last few weeks have been amazing.. and although I am getting sick of the alphabet theme I am really proud of the work I have been producing.. Not one pic altered.. OK I did crop Jack’s naked butt out of one.
But no fixing except the removing of color.
I feel I am refinding my vision.
As I walked home from the cemetery.. Yes drying tears I cried for almost an hour in there I stopped to take a few downed and non downed trees.. The marvel of Mother Nature reminding me to live was overwhelming and the tears flowed like rain.
I miss Tammy horribly and I held out my hand to her as I walked. I felt her grab it and tell me I am not alone. The answers will come in time.. Then I thought back to the Lords of the new Church cover of Live for today. How I saw them live with Tammy, Tracey, and a couple of hard core 35 mm cameras clicking away between the three of us.
She was very proud of me that I got a new camera. I think today she is with me in a lot of these pictures.
As maybe a few other of my angels.
I stood in front of ST Joe’s church and snapped a pic of a tree in front. I thank god once again for listening to my prayers. And for sending the angels to guide me. As I turned the street I heard a child screaming. I heard the frustrated dad say “No Peggy no.. this is enough. Take that time out”. I stopped.
He didn’t seem angry just frustrated.
I listened the birds flickering in the dark lined trees.
Summer is here and although yesterday I was wearing a maxi dress and flip flops with my hair in braids.. Today I was freezing in a pair of pedal pushers.. this is my world. this is my life
And as I hear tammy mumbling in my ear..”Gidge it’s stupid.. It’s really stupid to be afraid of trees.. What kinda fucking stupid fear is that?.. gettoverit!” “But I love you anyway..” yes she’d have really said that!
I leave you with a video.. enjoy
and please Live for Today.