I’ve been in California since Wednesday.
I got off the plane and Mom and Dad took me to In and Out Burgers.
Been kinda hard to eat but actually I was really hungry,
Then I came back to the house and attempted to unpack and nap.
The nap was interrupted by the photo albums that sat high above me on the shelf.
I took a few down and started to cry as I saw how many pictures in there were of Tammy and parties at my parents with my family etc…
She was part of this family through and through.
She even called my mom “mom” from day one.

The day was just kinda like a day at sea on a cruise ship. No real plan just kinda there feeling your sea legs. I went with Leslie that night for Mexican food but other than that I did nothing.

On Thursday the parental figures and I drove to the coast for a walk. They could see I needed to just get out and go. Half moon bay is really not that far. Basically over the bridge and through the woods literally.
After a good long walk at Maverick Beach we went and ate at an “authentic” British pub.. Authentic to what.. they serve pizza pasta and ribs?
And my Friggen Bangers and Mash had instant potatoes mixed in them and were 15.99.. yikes.. FOR LUNCH!
They did however have real british beer which I did not have and real British candy which I did have. The ice tea was tropical flavored (yuck) and the “English breakfast” was from Bigalow.
I am picky
Yuck.
On the positive side I am losing weight like crazy..

Now for the sadness

On Friday morning I got dressed and composed myself and cried. Then I recomposed myself again and left for Linda’s(Tammy’s mom) house.
She lives with her boyfriend Bill up in San Leandro.
Tracey and her husband Manny are staying out there.
Jean, Tam’s dad was flying in after noon and then we were gonna go out to half moon bay to take some of Tammy’s ashes.
Paul, Tammy’s younger brother was also with us.

We ate some sandwiches and then headed out to two cars. I did pee before we left.
But obviously my sick sad bladder could not handle the trip in traffic and nerves and I had to pee again.
As I step over in the cemetery up in skylawn where the bathrooms were all closed I went to go behind a wall when I tripped over a small rock and peed a little. Yes I peed a little. But cleaning with the oxy clean made it wetter and I was stuck with went pants down to the beach.

I wrapped a sweater around my butt when we got to the beach.

It was windy and cold.

Tracey and Paul took the ashes out into the water.

As I watched them with tears flowing down my face Jean came and put his arms around me and pulled me into a severe tight hug.
As I look over to Paul and Tracey and the wave that almost pulls them over I feel the way splash up Jeans and my legs. Damn Tammy and her water sense of humor.

We both laughed as we realized how wet we all were. The pee on the pants was insignificant now. HA!

All the shaking I had been doing all day had passed. My nerves let go and went out to sea.

We all took turns writing in the sand. As Tammy took the words out with her we watched and loved.
We all wrote loving memories and words for her. I grabbed a giant phallic shaped sea anomaly. Jean shouted across to me what is that a giant sex toy? I tried to write with it but instead through it out to the waves where it was sucked up out to sea immediately. Was it needed out there by Tammy? One may never know.. but I bet she was happy with it.
The last words she took to sea were Tammy
This is a moment I will have in my memory for the rest of my life.

In a few minutes Rachelanne will be here
and together we will laugh and we will cry.
The important thing to remember is that the graves are for the dead and the memorials are for the living.
I am alive. You, my dear reader are alive. Enjoy the days you breathe. It doesn’t matter how you die, we all die from the same thing.
Want of breath.

RIP Tammy Maltby
I love you